Friday, October 17, 2003
Psht. So if you haven't noticed or I haven't told you that I have dissowned this site and creating a new blog journal I just have so....Erm, yeah. I guess this is where I direct you there... Ask and I'll tell you instead of me just posting it here for EVERYONE to see. So much talk for nothing.... Happy?
Posted at 10:16 pm by MorbidBeauty
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
"Is there anybody out there?"
Alright. This is from me to you. I have no equilibrium. None. I trip going upstairs and going down. During gym, listen because I'll only tell you once, I slipped and busted my ass. ::laughs:: I got a floor burn too on my knee. Yeah well I stayed on the floor and started laughing. Teacher asked me if I was ok. Of course I'm ok, I'm just clumsy that's all. Amber came over and was supressing laughter but she helped me up. Woo hoo, I know, I ALWAYS find a way to hurt myself, it's pathetic. ::shrugs:: People in gym saw my prettiful arm you know? I don't give a shit though. I think the teacher saw too when I was laying on the floor. (had to take off my fleece and it was the only long-sleeved thing I had on.) Oh well though because she didn't say anything and no one actually comes up to me and says some dumb remark. Paulina asks "Aren't you afraid you'll cut a vein or something" -_- Maybe I want to, maybe I wish for the courage to press the blade deeper on my wrist. Ya know? Bleh. My thighs are in some crucial conditions compared to my arms. I have some really deep cuts that you would only see if I didn't have pants. Yeah, I haven't told anyone 'bout those though until now. Once one opened up and bled like hell came over. It sucked. But pretend I didn't say that and do me a favor don't ask why. Please don't, it's none of your business and I won't tell you. But it's not as though half of you care what the hell I have to say, right? I thought so.
Now onto another subject, Kesley wasn't in today. I saw her in the morning but she didn't go to any of her other classes. ::wonders what happened:: Talking about Kesley, her friend is Natalie and Andrea's friend. I saw him on Monday when I dropped by St. Edmunds for my girlies. Well we got to talking where he asked if I knew a Kesley Hynen. Magically I do. Now this guy has the most gorgeous hair in the world. It's so effing soft. Actually almost like Natalie's except Natalie's hair is a tad bit softer. I just HAD to play with it. You know he actually likes ppl playing with his hair so I took the advantage ^_^. Andrea said I'd fall in love with his hair. ::laughs:: I did. It's up to his shoulders. A blonde brown, like Nat (again, though Nat's is a little bit blonder though) O_O Seriously I mistook him for a girl when I saw him pass by me with a girl later known as Phina. Only when Nat introduced me to a whole bunch of ppl I knew it it was him. (I heard him)
Natalie ditched us. She ditched us to go hang out with Nick and some others in front of some guy named Shane's house. Andrea and I were going to go but we didn't Because of Thomas. He said he felt like she was abandoning him and he put on this face. The most saddest little face which was like 'AWWW!' And since Natalie was going to be all tete a tete with Nick I wouldn't want to see that. So Andrea and I decided to stay and go to the pizzeria. (which the ppl there are so effing LOUD, seriously) That's when I sat next to Thomas and played with the beauty. All the girls there seriously were crushing over him Poor kid. He came with Andrea and I on the train. Got to speak to him longer. Told him about this little thought Natalie had about him. I wasn't supposed to but it's not like he'd care even though he might think she has it in for him too. Bleh well that's my interesting life. I'm going over her house again next weekend to celebrate her b-day. ::dances:: I guess it'll be fun. Alright so I need to go get started on my homework cuz you know I have Algebra, Global, Spanish, and E.W. How fun huh?
Posted at 06:27 pm by MorbidBeauty
Sunday, October 05, 2003
I have never wanted something rational.
"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."
And you know it all narrows down to I want Shane to be like that. ::sighs:: Nope, not even, I just want Shane. That's it. The world would be a better place, I'd be so much happier if... if. I could just be with him ::sighs:: "It is evident that we are hurrying onwards to some exciting knowledge--some never-to-be imported secret, whose attainment is destruction."
Edgar Allen Poe I love your work so very much....
Bleh! Being with Natalie so closely for so long makes me feel so lonely now that I'm back home... v.v ::stares blankly at the screen:: I'm going to sleep. I'm passed due for being back in my comfy pillowy bed. Nighty night!
Posted at 11:38 pm by MorbidBeauty
Frankly,my dear, I don't give a damn.
NATALIE,NATALIE, NATALIE!!!
I've been the closest to Natalie I have ever been in forever. In a lifetime. I love her so much. Before I had mentioned that I was close to Aggie. Nothing remotely close; being with Natalie was euphoric. We seriously cuddled and were the closest we've ever been compared to anyone else. ::giggles:: We looked like lesbians so much but I don't care at all. It was so comfortable to be that close to someone. You don't know how much I wished it were Shane that I was THAT close to. It's just that we were so close and I loved it. We slept in her twin-size bed, our legs entwined and when I breathed I inhaled what she exhaled, that's how close we were; literally a few inches away. ::sighs:: We hugged and stayed hugging for minutes on end. Any moment we were together you'd see us touching eachother, holding hands, snuggling, and wow... it looked so lesbianish but I wanted to be with someone like that forever. I want Shane so it would be brought to a more intimate level. ::cries::
OH! She has a boyfriend! ::is so happy for her:: I'm goin to see him tomorrow. Him and all her other friends. Yeah, they're probably going to to skateboarding in front of one of her friend's house and Natalie really wants me to go. She doesn't want to be the only girl with three guys again. ::shrugs:: Oh. Natalie's a hypocrite! She was talking to Nick, her b/f on the phone and I was on top her. ::laughs:: don't take that wrongfully. She was laying down on her grandmother's bed and I was leaning against her stomach ( very boyfriend/girlfriend position :-/ ) I had a hand playing on her stomach because I know she was ticklish and I was bored. She told him what I was doing and I got closer to the mouthpiece and said 'haha, at least she lets me stick my hand up her shirt, I wonder why' She thought it was hysterical, he allegedly had someone on the other line. The hypocritical part was when I kind of whimpered/moaned when she touched my leg she was like 'Ew!' But yet if it were just the two of us she'd play along. On the streets she moaned and I mimicked her and it sounded so wrong but she didn't say anything, she just played along. I slapped her and told her she liked it before, why the sudden change? lol She laughed and pulled me to lean on her. I was like Oh?! Excuse you, how dare you... You hypocritical bitch, You like it when no one knows but once someone hears you make it seem like your innocent.
Yeah. We made him think very wrongfully ::puts her finger against her lip and looks innocently:: I didn't mean to... She cut her hair o.O I have a piece of her hair in my pocket!!! lol, she cut it up t her neck with this short banglike piece in the front. It wasn't how we invisioned it but it's nice. I love her! I've only known her for five years and I'm closer to her than I am to Andrea in which I've known her for 8-9 years. ::sighs:: I wanna cuddle. Specifically Shane. Natalie's my best friend and I love her but... ::sighs:: I don't want to tell anyone what I think so I'm dropping that subject. I'm seeing her tomorrow and again the next weekend for her birthday celebration even though today was her actual birthday. ::is in the mood to talk to Shane badly:: I'll wait to see if he gets on. He has school tomorrow so maybe not. ::shrugs:: I love him. Being close to Natalie made me think of him and how much I wish it were him instead but yet... I totally loved it being Natalie because you know... It's Natalie. No one should be able to replace her. She said she could never love anyone more than she loves me. She, not even close, likes Nick. She wants him but doesn't like him for long term relationship. She only knew him for two days and on Friday he was trying to feel her up in public. Then being in the movies he wanted her to sit in his lap. Ehh, I dunno. I would have said no too if I knew him like she did. Two days and he wants to take it farther than second base. ::shrugs:: She has the closeness I want with some complete stranger -.- ::sighs:: She's beautiful though, no fucking wonder anyone would want her. v.v ::wants to be like her::
OH, YAY! Natalie told me she couldn't bare not speaking, seeing my like she used to. ::giggles:: You don't know how happy it made me feel for her to tell me something like that. Then she nuzzled her forehead against mine and seriously, the closeness was lesbianish but that's actually what I wanted. ::wishes to be like that with a certain someone:: Her eyes are so blue ::smiles:: I love her. I have never been that physically close to someone I really cared for like I do her. It was physical and emotional. NO! I was getting horny or anything. Emotionally was more of that I never had that type of love from my family. For god fucking sakes, my family's so unclose to eachother. Love does not exist in this effing family. ::sighs:: I want to surround myself with people that love me on a normal basis. Make it a daily routine to be close to ppl.
BLERG
It's so unfair.
OoOoOo, I'm dying my hair tomorrow. Blue and purple. ::smiles:: I have bleach and the semi-permanent dye. ::giggles:: And Nick was talking about that he has connections with some ppl and could get piercings for VERY reasonable deal. ::ish so ecstatic:: You know... he lives four blocks away... down fourty third. It's a smidgen freaky but whatever.
::whines:: Shane... I wanna be with him. There's an emptiness without him... I wrote part of the lyrics into my arm from Dashboard Confessional. You know 'Hands Down'? Uhh I took the part where it's like 'kiss me so I die happy' I'm not done. I wanted to add 'My hopes are so high, you kiss might kill me' but that's a lot to cut into your forearm. Last night I had Natalie feel it. I took her hand and rubbed her fingers across it. She was like damn.... She saw me finish some letters while she was on the phone with Thomas. -_- Didn't say anything besides it's bleeding a lot. I wanted her to tell me to stop. To show she cared. I told her today that if she didn't like me doing it she should tell me to stop. She said if she did I wouldn't listen. I suggested that she take away the utensil; she said I'd hit her and take it back. v.v ::feels horrible for having her feel that way about me:: Bleh... I'm sleepy. She woke me up at like 7 this morning. We were forced to go to church and all... I think I'm going to go to sleep.
Posted at 10:02 pm by MorbidBeauty
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
I saw a new therapist today. She sucks. I hate her. End of discussion. Aggie and I have a secret hideaway where we're writing notes to eachother now. She's been calling me douche bag >_< I like her handwriting. ::ish keeping her notes now:: I love ppl's penmenship. I don't know why... I have four friends I sort of speak to. I shouldn't consider them friends I just kinda speak to them. One of them claims to be my friend. Her name's Hanan. She's pretty ^_^ She's in like four of my classes including Lunch. Then there's Kesley, I knew her from the orientation though. OH! There's this guy in my English class, his name's Steven. Oh my god, this guy... he's pretty cool and all but... he snuffed me >_< I'm an idiot though. ::ish not going to get into that:: Tony's definitely cool. He's also in my English class, he's nice. Really nice. Then Fernando's pretty cool. He was only in my group twice though. Which I just can't remember if we have homework for that class or not, I don't care.
Me go sleepy now. (finished my homework finally)
Posted at 10:46 pm by MorbidBeauty
Monday, September 29, 2003
Alright you will see the minimum.
So my family's fucked up. Specifically my brother at the moment. He's being so full of himself. He's acting like mom's just some piece of shit and doesn't have the right to ask for a little in return. He's fucking twenty one for crying out loud. He doesn't pay any bills doesn't do anything around the house and yet acts like just because he's a guy he can do what he feels like, abuse anything that comes to thought. Mother's too complacent with him. All he does is work, comes home and thinks that once he steps into the doorway, everything should stop for him. Then he dares say he's treated badly in this family. ::sighs:: I need to get out of this place, away from having to listen to this crap and living as though he's my father.
Hehe, you know though, I'd never let my child become as disobedient as I am sometimes. I'm thinking of staying off the computer for some time. Maybe keep away from this place. It's hard to say something like that and stick to it but I guess I should try. Maybe start reading some more. o.O Then there's the issue of Shane. I can barely last a week without hearing from him. Now how will that work? There's the phone... I dunno. I kinda want to cut that habit out too. But now that's simply unacceptable. I need some form of communication with my lover. ::giggles:: In my dreams right? Hehe, yeah... I have Aggie but that's different. I seriously can't fucking WILLINGLY give up talking to him and suppose I'm going to be happy. Ya know? He's the only thing I want to live for. Take him out and I'll just... well you know what I'll just do. Nah, not kill myself but I really don't know how I would manage. It's bad enough he's like my drug.
Alright so mother's bitching. Now it's only a minimum of an hour on the computer. She's fucking giving me limits! I hate when she's angry. So yeah... uhm, from now on I'll only be on the computer for a hour. Maybe I need some type of rules to follow. If you want to speak to me, you can either call (1718-854-0042) or catch me from 6-7pm? That's about right...
::sighs:: I'm about to cry. Nah... I want to but I'm just going to my room and going to read this book I bought The Crimson Petals and the White.
Good night.
Posted at 09:13 pm by MorbidBeauty
Sunday, September 28, 2003
Help! The carnivorious pink bunnies....
So guys in this neighborhood can't keep comments to themselves. What am I to do? Nothing. I guess, I shouldn't care that guys tell me shit. A few days ago a guy passed by and told me in Spanish, 'Mi corazon es tuyo' Or my heart is yours. That same day this other guy bumped into me. He said he was sorry but his hand lingered on my arm a little bit too long. Today I was walking from Aggie's house and these guys in a window were like '::moan:: Mami, That's just how life is. Some people are just born beautiful" -_- Guys are ooky. OOKY I TELL YOU!! OOKY!!!! ::laughs:: It's Natalie's fault I'm using that damned word. ::sighs::
I LOVE YOU AGGIE!!! :)
I do ^_^. Today's been remotely good only that Shane came on for a few minutes, Aggie signed off and Matt? I don't know... He came on today. He just seems different. He said he was sorry. v.v He doesn't have a reason to be I just feel that maybe I'm losing him as a friend? Ya know? Ehh, paranoia sets in. Other than that today was wonderful! Aggie poofied my hair when I was with her. I layed on her lap and she just messed with strands of my hair, and since my hair's curly, you play with the curl it'll open up and become poofy. It felt so soothing to be so close to someone again. People probably thought we were lesbians since we were sitting in front of her house and come on a girl on girl at any given position is liable for others to assume the worst. ::sighs:: I don't care, it made me happy to be with her. I haven't been close to someone for so long. I missed it. I almost started crying but I didn't want to cry in front of her. It's been three days you know.... since I cried or done anything in self-harm. I'm proud, I don't know about you...
>_< Back to school tomorrow. Oh yeah, this weekend is Natalie's birthday. HOPEFULLY I finally get to see her again. I need to buy her something. These people. ::sighs:: I care for them so dearly, sometimes I wish I could help? Is that too much to ask? Shane still hasn't been back on. I have homework to do. Maybe I should get started instead of sitting here watching "The Piano" and typing this. DOODEEDOO! I remember reading this novel -_- Well I should get going.
Til' Morrow!
"To care about someone is to give them the power to hurt you."
Posted at 07:14 pm by MorbidBeauty
Friday, September 26, 2003
My computer's out to get me.
::screams like a little bitch:: I hate my computer. I just wrote two hours worth of blogging information. It deleted it. I HATE MY COMPUTER. Two hours damn it! That's all. Fuck the world. ::screams some more and storms to bed::
"Disgusted with my position so submissive I am the only way we get away is give in sharpen up the razors stab the needles into pipes tokill cravings so sick of this in me can't stand the want to need can't get free always got a grip on me
There's no use to fight this wrenching tourniquet of deprivation obedience subservience leads to substance
Do you want more give it to me
Leave my motivation to chemical dependency no room for patienceDon't want it need it come on right now"
FUCK THE WORLD! Seriously.
Posted at 10:01 pm by MorbidBeauty
So I feel like people are avoiding me. v.v The only one who's there for me now's my cousin. Damn the world. I'm probably just being paranoid and maybe I'm taking it all out of proportion but I feel so lonely right about now. I saw Steven again today. Weird guy I tell you, I didn't even notice him until he called my name. ::shrugs:: That's about it, he called my name, we said hi and he went about playing basketball with a group of chinks and I walked away. Damned Aggie. I called her today, maybe it was too early, probably she was still in school but she didn't pick up her cell. Alone I tell you! I don't really care anymore I feel like burrowing a hole with my armada of squirrels. Oh wait OUR armada of squirrels (meaninng Natalie and I) and living there with Nat and K.A. Not really just Natalie, books and the squirrels. Probably die but that's ok! Ok so it's not but still I feel like all my people are too busy to even notice anyways.
Posted at 03:25 pm by MorbidBeauty
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
So you hate your computer, now what?
I hate my computer because it's being a total prick. So now I will not post anyhing today besides what you are reading now:
"'Pooh, promise you won't forget about me, ever. Not even when I'm a hundred.'
Pooh thought for a little while. 'How old shall I be then?'
'Ninety-nine.'
Pooh nodded. 'I promise,' he said."
And thern there's the fact where people keep on asking my why I don't consider myself pretty. Not my words but I really relate. ::sighs:: Don't pity me. Don't even care, alright?
"No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they're pretty, even if they aren't
Oh and as Rod McKuen said:
"My need for you is near addiction" I wonder who that's for? On this topic, I really am scaring myself on how far I'd go just to have him, makes me want to cry but I vowed myself not to and I succeed without a tear for a day! Proud of me? No, you shouldn't. If I'm not crying what else am I doing? I want to go to Oregon so badly ::whines:: I need to take my whiney ass and shut myself away to a slumber for only five to six hours. I seriously need to stop whining to people though, they're getting tired of me or so I think.... Natalie's coming over this weekend! You know what I'm going to do when I see her? Hug her and cry. Tell her everything. Seriously though. I have to, my twin needs to know what's wrong and how I feel. As she puts it I have her brain on my bed all smooshy and crunchy (don't ask) ::giggles:: I need her back/closer.
I'll go to sleep after I finish this conversation with Steven (yeah! I'm actually speaking to him, how odd right?)
Good Night.
Posted at 11:23 pm by MorbidBeauty
