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Sunday, September 21, 2003
"My Momma talk to me, try to tell me how to live..."
"...But I don't listen to her, 'cos my head is like a sieve"
I should be sleeping but I'm up typing. I just finished my essay on the beautiful NYC. I guess at the moment I'm pretty happy with my life. I guess, the only thing that bothers the fuck out of me is the whole fact with Mother telling me on how to dress. She doesn't like black clothing on me, I have this prettiful black skirt that touches a little below my ankles and she says it's inappropriate and too to the extreme. What extreme?? If I like certain clothes why the hell should that be taken to the extreme? ::sighs:: She wants me to start wearing white and bright colors. I seriously only have have articles of white clothing that I barely ever wear and light colors? uhm a little more but not too much. ::shrugs:: It's sickening. We're always arguing about my clothing. I don't care. It's not as though I'm going to listen to her anyways. She screams at me. I'll scream louder. If she doesn't like it she can hit me, it's not like I care anymore. Yeah I'll probably start crying but when do I not? I should go to sleep, not as though I have a reason to be on. Or not... interesting video of my Perfect Circle! Uh oh... they're getting famous... Not good. Now I will leave you to finish the music video and to fall asleep. Oh and I'm eloping with Aggie. Just thought you should know that :P
Posted at 12:48 am by MorbidBeauty
Saturday, September 20, 2003
And so I have nothing to input....
Yesterday was remotely alright minus the incessant crying. I saw my Psychiatrist today. He's assigning me another therapist. I like speaking to him even though his speech is a little hard to understand because of his dialect (he's Russian) I have to write an essay for him on things of interest. Then I have to write another on how New York City is one of the best places to live for English -_- Then an autobiography plus this genealogy chart. I need a floppy disk for Monday. I'm seeing my Natalie this weekend hopefully. Tomorrow I think, she's coming back to stay at her aunt's house so Andrea, Nat and I are planning to go to the movies. Then on Friday there's a concert Nat invited me to. Dillan's band is going to perform so yay. ^_^ Alright so I think that's it. Well I spoke to Shane yesterday. After that I felt so much better. Even though I cried some more after we hung up. Life really sucks. I want to be withhim so badly. He was talking abou cutting himself. I doubt he would, he just doesn't seem like he would. ::sighs:: I wouldn't want him to but... if he did? Damn I'd feel dumb for even telling him I ever did it and feel as though it were my fault. He wouldn't...hopefully. OH and I hate my mother. She will not shut up anymore. Um, I asked her about something. She said no and then gave me a lecture on it. Hehe, I told her I'd kill myself if she didn't. ::laughs:: I wouldn't but she had tears in her eyes when I said it. She asked if I was serious. If I can make her think that I will she would say yes. ::chuckles:: I wish... Now I go to do my homework.
Au Revoir.
"Well which would you prefer?
My finger on the trigger, or me face down, down across your floor?"
Posted at 02:25 pm by MorbidBeauty
Thursday, September 18, 2003
"Failing miserably to find a way to comfort you far beyond a visible sign of your awakening"
"But you're far too poisoned for me, such a fool to think that I could wake you from your slumber, that I could actually heal you"
My poor love, she's so effing depressed. Things aren't working out for her and I can't do anything to help and I really want to. I won't go too much into the topic. Won't even bring up her name just so certain people don't know about my life and who I know. ::sighs:: And now she cries.... I love her but I can't do anything... And it bothers me so much that I can't. That's all for now.
Posted at 06:24 pm by MorbidBeauty
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
READ THIS SOMEBODY!! OR NOT...
"Misery is manifold. The wretchedness of earth is multiform. Overreaching the wide horizon as the rainbow, its hues are as various as the hues of that arch,-- as distinct too, yet as intimately blended. Overreachig the wide horizon as the rainbow! How is it that from beauty I have derived a type of unloveliness? -- from the covenant peace a simile of sorrow? But as, in ethics, evil is a consequence of good, so, in fact, out of joy is sorrow born. Either the memory of past bliss is the anguish of today, or the agonies which are have their origin in the ecstasies which might have been..."
A little quiz for you since all of you think you're SO smart. Where is that excerpt from? HUH???
I love his work and saying that should have narrowed down your answers because it's a guy! Bwuahaha.
I now have pictures of myself on my computer, WHAT JOY! v.v
Aggie says I'm pretty, she will not stop saying it so I shouldn't have a problem sending a picture to some so called people. v.v It's just not that facking easy. I don't consider myself pretty what-so-ever so if you try to convnce me it won't work. You know why? Because in here ::points to her chest:: I don't feel beautiful. I showed Cate... she also says I'm pretty. I don't know! I'm crying pathetically. I'm going to see Aggie tomorrow. I have to. Why? I need someone to talk to. I need comfort from someone. Shane's the one I'm really worried about showing him my picture. He said it wouldn't matter but... it would definitely change his mind about me. Something! I just feel it deep down inside. I'm just in fear of rejection. His opinions are the only ones that I care about. It scares me sometimes how much I love him and to what extent I would go just to be with him. I really want to be with him. REALLY. That's perhaps why I care so much of his opinions. IF he rejects me it'll hurt. Like the pain of salting a wound and that hurts...a lot if you don't like pain. What? How do I know?? Uhh a friend of mine did it. Erm, YEAH! Why would I ever want to cause such type of pain on myself? o.O
Posted at 10:15 pm by MorbidBeauty
Monday, September 15, 2003
And now I am feeling alone.
I'm such a dumb screw up. I'm forever lying, breaking and my promises. Some news: I am now declared as socially challenged. I feel like breaking up into tears but I'm trying to get over the crying, so far it's been working. That is until last night but that was just a screw up. Ugh! I want to be held. Got a hug from Aggie but it's like she didn't want to hug me, I may be wrong but that's just how I felt. v.v I want someone. Yeah, you all know who that someone is, it's just I dunno, I feel as though I'll take any form of acknowledgement that comes along that comes from a guy. My heart tells me that's a stupid thing to even think. I won't do it, I just really want hug, that's all seriously. And it's totally different from a guy, more comforting... Well not Steven... ::chuckles::: I miss Natalie... She's staying at her aunt's house which means I can see her a tad bit more often. ^_^
::screams:: Ugh... I think I'm just going to sulk... I want to talk to Shane, maybe I should call. I really want to hear him again, that's the closest I can get to him anyways.
Posted at 08:45 pm by MorbidBeauty
"Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over"
The day goes from okay to great, from great to alright, and from alright to horrible. Don't ask why, it was just a statement. Took some pictures when I was at Aggie's house yesterday. That was the great part even though I look horrible in pictures. Just beng with her rocked. But I get home and it's as though all goes downhill from there. I didn't go to school today and well I just had a little fun with myself as the lyrics above imply. I was planning to drop by her house again today but she's not picking up her cell phone and I need to be home before mother comes at 4. It being now 2:22. ::shrugs:: I have time but I don't want to waste my time going over there if she's not home.
"I'm not afraid of standing still.
I'm just afraid of being bored.
I'm not afraid of speaking my mind.
I'm just afraid of being ignored.
"
I'm not afraid of being sick.
I'm more afraid of being well.
I'm not afraid...put the gun in my hand...
I'm just afraid it will hurt like( hurt like) hell.
I'm not afraid of looking ugly.
I couldn't care what they say.
I'm not afraid of happy endings.......
I'm just afraid my life won't work that way."
Posted at 02:36 pm by MorbidBeauty
Saturday, September 13, 2003
[Insert interesting title here]
I have a new favorite band... I saw their name on some senior's shirt. ^_^ It's Jack Off Jill. Been downloading their music, I love'em. Now it's all a matter of time if I ever find a place where they'll sale their CDs. If not I'll order it.
On another note, I have been having some really bizarre dreams that I awaken short of breath, or just really confused, because later on in the day/week déjà vu takes place. ::shrugs:: Oh well.
Now random lyrics by Jack Off Jill; Enjoy!
Angel Fuck
I woke up, morning
I woke up dead today
I aged a thousand years or more
I flinch when you are nice
You kill me with a single word
When angels fuck and devils kiss, I'm sure
I'll bask in your forever
You just waste my time
I want to drag you down, down with me
I wanted to help, to help destroy the world
I wanted to be that, to be that special girl
Everybody's got a little something to hide, but me
Everybody's got a little someone to crush, but me
I'm living in a human teenage mediocrity
Everybody's got a little someone to trust, but me
I dreamed that I was you
I dreamed your ego died
Sad who loves you more than I do
I know you lied
I'll bask in your forever
Fucking waste of time
Angels fuck and devils screw
I wanted to heal me and then destroy the world
Piss in your heart and be that, and be that special girl
Everybody's got a little something to hide but me
Everybody's got a little someone to crush but me
I'm living in a teenage negative mediocrity
Everybody's got a little someone to trust but me
But me, but you
Not me
Hate you
Love me, love me, hate you
Want me, fuck you, hate me
Kill you
Fuck me, like you, want me
Like you want you fuck you
Fuck me, fuck you, fuck you fuck you fuck me
Fuck you, fuck me, fuck you fuck you fuck me (you never loved me)
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you fuck you fuck me
I will never make it better
I will never make it better
It will always hurt you fucking asshole
Posted at 06:16 pm by MorbidBeauty
Friday, September 12, 2003
Beware of persons who are praised by everyone.
And today is Friday if anyone hasn't figured it out already. There's this guy in my school, Jeffrey. He's some junior who had once hit on Natalie. We'll say this was two years ago. Um, let's see, his friend lives in my building so therefore I had seen him around. She comes to school one day, tells me about him and asks me to go with her to the park that day, me not knowing who these people were, but whatever nonetheless I went with her suprisingly to see David ( the guy in my building) Blah, blah, blah. So yeah, she meets up with them a few other times that it's an I-don't-care-about-it-so-she-doesn't-tell-me situation... Well yeah, last year he started badmouthing Natalie to me, calling her a dumb bitch, etc. Note: Everyone knows and loves Jeffrey. He's pretty cute I guess I can say. I'm betting a million that most girls love him though. Uhm, well whatever. Every single time I had spoken to him he always seemed to have brought up Natalie. *hint, hint* I wonder why. He told me this elaborate lie that she had mistaken him for his alleged twin brother. My Nat can be a little ditzy but she's not that stupid.
Ok well I saw him on Monday and Tuesday in the halls and hoped to my soi-disant 'God' that he didn't see me. I don't want to speak to some guy whose praised, literally praised, by everyone and just thinks everyone like him I guess some people do. Perhaps the majority of the people that know him like him , I don't know. Well this morning, yes this morning, I had thought he was in front of me... How do I know? Um, I honestly don't, I never saw his face just guessed it was him and guess what? It was. He had glanced back but that was all besides he did it a few times. The light in front was changing so that means I was going to be stuck with him on a corner and I since I prefer to keep my distance if he chooses to say yet another dumb remark about my sweetheart, I crossed. (muy life is SO interesting) Surely enough he crossed with proving that he had seen me, what joy! Well in front of the train station he asked about my brother and what school I went to, I told him I had seen him and that moment he got offensive, "Why didn't you say hi?" Why didn't I? Hmm, maybe because I didn't want to speak to him and antisocial me doesn't want to be introduced to some 'ghetto' folk. But I just told him I wasn't sure it was him, and some more bullshit about being anti-social. We're at the stop and he comes over saying if I'm anti-social why was I talking to him. Who the fuck was talking to who? He asked questioned and I responded, nothing else. He had told me that I didn't seem like the anti-social type since you know I hang out with a group of friends in some cliche on the corner. -_- Since I know everyone in the neighborhood and am close to to all the people my age. I forget I'm like that. You know since the whole school are my friends... ::sighs:: No more sarcasm, if someone actually believed I was like that you really must be half-witted. Well yeah, he asks about what music I listen to and some other things. But finally catches the hint I don't want to speak to him so when it's time to take the R train he walked away. Far away. But no, I saw him while I was going to Spanish, him saying something. Hi miss anti-social? I don't care, it was something like that. Didn't see him til the beginning of Lunch period,outside. He, how should we say...grabbed/touched my shoulder blade and smiled when I looked at him. Whatever. From now on I will be pestered by him so I guess I'm going to have to get used to it. He's nice and all, but first he's a player, second he'll be all nice to you up-front but'll talk shit behind you and well he's just not my type of person I'd like as a friend but I guess he's pretty cool. It's not like I'm not polite enough to answer him when he talks to me...
Posted at 04:29 pm by MorbidBeauty
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
And then, world domination
Hair dye and a bleach kit. In my bookbag. Must find a place to hide until it's time. Blue and purple. I want pink.... but pink and brown arent too nice together. I can't wait.. That and my piercings ::smiles:: which actually is weird because the piercings I want, Sandra Cardova has. Need to gain a spine actually talk to someone besides Sasha, Kelly, Saidah, Isreal and Damian. NEED to. ::smiles:: Well no I don't. I just want to talk to Miss Cardova, Mr Taglianetti, and Zack something (he's in my Spanish class ^_^)
Posted at 05:26 pm by MorbidBeauty
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
I'm so content today. But I mean really happy/content. On my way from school I decided to drop by Aggie's house. We sat in front of her house and the weirdest occurence decided to happen (since I was there for 3 1/2 hours) Well not too weird, just that, as you know, if you stare at me and I don't know who you are I'll say hi and try to make up a conversation.(Not really conversation because I never get as response it's usually the roll of the eyes or a intimidated silence filling the air) Well no today Aggie and I sat in front of her house on the cement sidewalk. Now seriously, EVERY person that passed by stared at me, so polite me kept on waving or saying something. Well oddly enough, these strange people actually responded. EVERY TIME. Some of them actually exchanging a dialogue. Usually the guys though. The ladies were usually older (mothers, etc.) that would smile and say hi in return. It's so amazing that I received such a response. That never happens! Uhm, I commented on this Chinese businessman's hair and he returned a compliment. It was so cool. In the beginning it was like 'why the hell is everyone staring at us, we're only sitting on the sidewalk, while I'm doing my homework and she's zoning out' But after some time I finished my spanish and we just started talking. Mainly laughing because it was just so weird to have everyone staring. Like some of them would pass by look at what I'm writing and then walk passed and look back. Aggie said I should be flattered, since some of them were younger and would not stop looking at me. I'M NOT PRETTY! I HAVE NO CLUE WHY THESE PEOPLE STARE THE WAY THEY DO! Uhm there was a guy in green. He was staring so I said hi, he said how are you, and of course I said just fine then he said something about do you have homework or something and well since it looks like I'm doing it, I said yeah. He passed by again and said awesome hair, or so Aggie translated it. It was so effing weird. Then there was this Arabic dude nad a few of his friends, they kept walking back and forth. They spoke rather loudly. Made me dislike them oh so much. Uhm the last time they passed by before I went home, the guy that actually stared the most out of the three had said "Oh why are you looking at the girls like that?" Aggie responded that WE were just that sexy. She said the one who spoke looked back I'm guessing he smiled. ::shrugs:: And it all started with the guy in the car that said sorry and smiled so sweetly. -_- I'm just a little confused with that freak occurence. Hehe, my horoscope says: There is harmony in the air, making even a full day at work seem pleasant. You are getting along particularly well with your colleagues, and any lingering resentments or bad feelings dissipate in the friendly atmosphere. People will be much more friendlier today so see to it, trying to make new friends.
Freaky.
On another note. I like the way Aggie laughs. She became all shy because I said that and was flushed red in her cheeks trying not to laugh. I do like the way she laughs though. ::smiles:: I love my Nessie. ^_^ That question where it was why the hell are they looking at, she answered that I'm just so gorgeous. -.- I really don't understand what she sees. She said she'd rather be me than herself and it was like aww. Uhm but I'm not going into too much detail, I need to finish my homework.
Posted at 06:27 pm by MorbidBeauty
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